Monday, March 8, 2010

"According to John..."

Will we EVER understand the opposite sex? Will women ever know what men are REALLY thinking? When it comes to books, I've read them all.
"Why Men Love Bitches"
"Why Men Marry Bitches"
"The Rules"
"Why He's just not that into you"
"Why You're really not that into him either."

The list goes on...seems like EVERYONE and their mother (which I'd be willing to take advice from more so than our generation) is writing a book about relationships and understanding the opposite sex. Regardless, it's a fascinating subject. I'll never get bored trying to understand the male psyche. Perhaps it's because I'm curious by nature as a reporter, but I'm willing to bet it has more to do with being a female. So anytime there's an article about "UNDERSTANDING MEN", I read it. While I seek the advice about men from my female friends, I'll reluctantly admit that I've googled advice before.
"Why isn't he calling me?"
"What does he mean when he says, "Let's slow things down."?

LAM (laughing at myself)

Anyway, today I came across this article from It's an interpretation of what mean really mean when they say things like, "I'll call you later." The Yahoo author had his/her own expert; I decided to enlist my own so-called "expert".

His name is JOHN (last name omitted for his personal safety). John is a photojournalist at Fox 13. We spend a lot of time together in a truck, and we talk a lot about the opposite sex. He's given great love advice so far, so I figured he should share his expertise with the online community. It took some convincing, but he agreed after I yelled at him. That always seems to work with men (just kidding.)

About John: 33 years old. Never been married. No kids. He did however want me to point out that he has a "beautiful girlfriend" whom he's very happy with. How sweet. John is a talented photographer that graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Electronic Media Production. During his free time, John loves to watch movies and enjoys snowboarding. When asked if he considers himself a "simple man", he said "I'm a complicated individual just like everybody else."

John would not let me use his photo for my blog. He said, "What do you need my picture for?" I said, "The women reading this will want to know what you look like." His response, "It doesn't matter."
OKAY. IT DOESN'T MATTER. But for the record, John is NOT ugly.
He says, "Thank you. I appreciate that Nineveh."


Below you’ll find John’s interpretation of what men REALLY mean when they say certain things.

I’ll call it “According to John…”

It's no secret that guys aren't the best at articulating what they're thinking. Combine that with the fact that they'd rather bend the truth a little than risk letting you down and you're left with a baffling, cryptic code to decipher. We got guys to let us in on what some of their most said phrases really mean. Plus, find out the four things he’ll never open up about.

1. He Says: "We should hang out sometime."
He Means: "I'm afraid you'll say 'no' if I ask you out."

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “It means I really don’t want to hang out, but I’m extending you the invitation to be nice.”

2. He Says: "I'll call you later."
He Means: "I may or may not call you at some point between now and three months from now."

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “That means maybe I’ll call you, maybe I won’t because I don’t necessarily like you. I’m just being nice.”
When I asked him, “Why are you being nice? Why not just tell her you won’t call her?” His response, “It just means I haven’t decided whether or not I would like to call her back. It means I have to go home and think about whether or not the date went well, and whether or not I really think she’s hot.”

3. He Says: "My ex is crazy."
He Means: "I messed her up, and she got upset."

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “When I say my ex is crazy, I mean she is NUTS.”

4. He Says: "That guy seems like a good friend of yours."
He Means: "Was there ever a thing between you?"

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “That means I want to know how good a friend he was because my girlfriend may have dated him in the past or there may be something going on between them. I have to be able to scope out the competition. I have to find out what I’m possibly up against.”

5. He Says: "It's a long story."
He Means: "It's a story that makes me look bad."

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “It means it’s a complicated long story that I don’t necessarily want you to know about. If you really want to know, you’ll have to sit through it, so it’s okay to ask me about it again.”

6. He Says: "That's a new look."
He Means: "You look weird."

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “That means I don’t know if I like it, but I’m going to say something just so you know that I noticed. I’m not trying to be mean; I just think it’s worse not to say anything at all.”

7. He Says: "Why are you being so emotional?"
He Means: "Why are you acting like a psycho?"

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “I don’t understand why you’re spazzing out. Why are you overreacting? It doesn’t mean that you’re scaring me off by your emotional reaction, it just truly means I don’t get why you’re being so emotional. I don’t agree about the “acting like a psycho” interpretation.”

8. He Says: "That's not what I meant."
He Means: "That's totally what I meant, but now that I see you're mad, I wish I hadn't said it out loud."

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “That’s what it means. It means you totally misinterpreted it. It could mean that I’m backing out of a comment I made because I realize it upset you to the point that I have no other choice but to say, “That’s not what I meant.” But usually it just means, I didn’t mean it.”

9. He Says: "It's fine."
He Means: "It's not actually fine, but I'm in no mood to discuss it."

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “That means whatever. It’s a white flag because there are situations where you say “things” to the contrary of what your partner wants to hear and you realize it’s really going to upset them more than its worth getting your own way. So it’s easier to give in.”

10. He Says: "Can we talk about this later?"
He Means: "I never want to talk about this again."

ACCORDING TO JOHN, “It means I don’t feel like talking about this now. It could be too complicated to discuss. If I don’t bring it up again, that means I don’t want to talk about it.”

NINEVEH's NOTE: I hope that was worth the read!


Gavin2838 said...

It's good!`

Troy, Becky and Alysea said...

This is a good one! You should have more of "According To John..."!!

Charles said...

If you're into readings about understanding the opposite sex, you should read about the Ladder Theory! I can't vouch for its credibility, but it's fun nonetheless.